I Can Only Be A Delusionist

When creating an introduction for anything, it’s crucial that by the end of it people understand what they’re generally getting into. It’s like making a thesis, you’re essentially telling your reader what your essay is about. It’s also important to make sure you’re putting your best foot forward, while not revealing too much, while leaving the crowd wanting more. For example, in ‘The Sopranos’ we’re introduced to mobster Tony Soprano, through a therapy session. This already lets the audience know that we’re exploring the psychology of someone. When questioned about how he got there, we’re shown his daily activities as a mobster, father, and especially as a patient because we see he’s lying to his therapist. The audience gets a gist for the type of character Tony is, and a semblance of what the show could explore. It does a good job of setting everything up fairly well, and leaving those interested wanting more. In music, the introduction, whether it be a single song or an entire project, lets the audience decide if they want to proceed with listening to your music. So making a good first impression, especially for a debut Mixtape, definitely matters.

‘Delusionist’ was recorded on January 15th 2024 and produced by Xa1vin. As I was recording ‘Escape To Onyx’ I got frustrated with straining my vocals for the song, so I decided to record a “fun one”. I found this beat and immediately fell in love with it. The production exudes a grandiose, almost celebratory feel because of the trumpets. Trumpets will do that, people of royal hierarchy use them when introducing themselves. Also, in celebrations they’re used a lot, look at the record “Celebration Time” by Kool & The Gang for example. That’s pretty much the universal party song. In some ways this introduction also acts as a celebration of me, since this project is all about me.

This being the intro to the project is very important to the overall mixtape’s theme. While the old title ‘thank you.im sorry’ carries a very self conscious and apologetic tone, ‘I Can Only Be Myself’ acts as a declaration. It adopts more of a “deal with it” attitude, while still reflecting a deeper understanding of the self. Introspective while still poppin shit, the Jodeci Santana formula. To zero in on this track, the overall narrative of the song is unwavering confidence to the point of seeming delusional. However, I named this track specifically ‘Delusionist’ because of what it means in the context of being a magician.

A delusionist’s aim is to trick the audience's senses into believing something impossible. The French Drop is the illusion of making an object disappear, when in reality it’s just sleight of hand. Even though it’s a trick, someone believed it to be true, because delusionist are in charge of what’s impossible and what’s not. Now add the Busta Rhymes quote I placed in the song into this. In his interview with Steven Barlett, he stated “You gotta believe the delusion, because it’s only “delusional” until it works, so is it really delusional?”. His question about the concept of delusion brought about inspiration. The concept that delusion only seems delusional because it hasn’t happened yet stuck with me. It made lyrics such as “I think I’m flawless in every way.” & “I’m a popstar in a rapper body“ not seem so “far off”. They only seem delusional because I haven’t made it work yet (Even though I do have a pop song on this project). This is the unwavering confidence I’m rapping about having, even if it’s a trick to the audience, or seemingly unrealistic, the magic in making it work will make my delusions become reality. This song acts as a proclamation for greatness that is to come, the greatness that is this ‘I Can Only Be Myself’.

I knew after recording this song that it would be the intro. Everything about it screamed intro. The trumpets, the quote, the shit poppin. It was perfect for me. I’m also very glad that I used no autotune on this track. I feel like a lot of people use autotune because they don’t have confidence in their natural voice, or hide behind a preset. In this song, it’s just me, and I’m very happy that it sounded the way it was intended. I hope that detail didn’t fly over people’s heads, especially since nowadays most artists crutch on a preset. Nothing wrong with it, especially if that’s just your style of making music. I just like how I didn’t have to use it to make a good song. I have faith in my rapping abilities and I love ACTUALLY rapping every now and then.

This song is a forerunner to the confidence I have in this entire project. The confidence to show everyone willing to listen to who I am and what I am capable of. I don’t apologize for being myself, I celebrate it, and I want everyone in on the celebration. I always thought this song would somehow resonate specifically with the insecure black boys who’re afraid to be themselves, maybe I’m just projecting but I always felt like a song like this can give someone like this a confidence boost of some sort. Especially because I’m poppin shit only as myself, I don’t have a lot of money nor fame. Sure I get girls every now and then, but it usually never lasts long. I think I’m cute, but nowhere near what I want to be. I’m just popping shit as myself, because I can only be myself, and I believe this record can delude others into wanting to pop shit as themselves, because it did for me.

I Can Only Be Swagged Out

I had originally wanted to make a “Traditional West Coast” type song. It was during these sessions that songs like ‘Lonely In Lust’ (featuring the wonderfully talented and beautiful Dyani Brewer) were created. Although those songs I made during these sessions were good, none seemed to be the right song for the project. I started to give up on trying to make a typical west coast song. It was only after having a conversation with my coworker (shout out Julian), I realized how diverse the west coast really is. We spoke on many California native rappers, but we zeroed in on Lil B The BasedGod specifically. We bonded on his music and now he’s a very good friend of mine. More importantly though, our conversation reignited my love for his music, which was interesting because Lil B was my first favorite rapper ever. I loved his music so much because his songs could either be filled with incredibly deep insight, like ‘Giving Up’ or freestyles you can tell he just fucked around on, like ‘Bitch Mob’. He was lyrically versatile—the deep and oftentimes conflicting emotions of talking your shit versus letting the raw emotions out are what made me a fan of Lil B. He also didn’t sound like the “typical west coast rapper” or what you would normally think of, but he could still do that sound if he wanted to. These songs shaped what I looked for in artists, and what I found in my own artistry.

With the conversation in mind I came into the weekend with a new mindset and got back on the grind of making music. Amidst the sessions, this song came about randomly when I found this beat on YouTube. On the melody run I kept saying “Cali Swagged Up,” really liked it, and then after laying down the verse I wanted to add more to it. Since the goal was to make this song an ode to the type of swag I brought to the west coast (heavily inspired by Lil B), I decided to use sounds and tags that represented some of the cultural touchstones that shaped me.

The intro is inspired by DJs’ excessive use of tags, specifically DJ Trapaholics. In order to do so I grabbed a lot of random viral Nigerian memes and sayings from random YouTube videos, like the “Chai!” sound effect. Another was Kamen Rider Faiz’s Henshin sounds because they perfectly blended in with the Trapaholics sound effects, plus Faiz is my favorite rider series. Similarly to the song ‘Out Of Reach’ I wanted to use each of the sounds to be the focal adlibs. They would support the lyrics and bring more of a flair to the song, while also being very much a “me” thing. Although I don’t think this song is too crazy, aside from a couple lyrics, my favorite comes from the chorus: “Last year being broke and this the first I ran up.” This one in particular stands out to me because it is more of a declaration rather than just a lyric, kind of like a promise to myself. I would also like to shout out a friend of mine, a streamer named Xio Carpenter (FKA LondomPink), because he sent me a song he made called ‘Every Tuesday’. That song was also another component in what inspired me to make this, so I want to publicly thank him as well.

It was only after making this song randomly I realized two things. The first being the west coast has many different sounds that create the sound. Tyler, The Creator does not sound like Larry June and Kendrick Lamar doesn’t sound ANYTHING like Lil B, yet I still consider all to be West Coast legends in the rap game. They all carved out different sounds for themselves and what the west coast can sound like. They’re authentically themselves, so I decided I needed to be. Secondly, forcing anything usually ends up being a disaster. I was hyper focused on making what I thought was to be a “west coast” song because I wanted to fill a checklist. To be honest, I made this checklist because throughout this project I wanted to have at least one song for everyone. I knew that since I was a versatile artist I’d be able to do so, but I was hyper focusing on making something for the people rather than making music for myself. You can’t force people to like anything, they’re the only ones who get to choose. So I decided to be authentically me, while repping the coast. I figure by doing this, the people from anywhere will gravitate towards me.

Music is self expression, you shouldn’t have to force anything when you’re making it. You should find your own swag as an artist and lead with it, always. I didn’t need a Snoop Dogg x Kalan.frfr type beat to prove I was from the coast, I just needed to be myself and add my own swag to what the coast can be. I was blinded by chasing after “the west coast sound” because I wanted to make my tape palatable to everyone, and have something specifically for my people in Cali. Instead of making art, I tried to chase a sound, which is something I never want to do. Always be yourself, because that’s the only person you can be.

(P.S I also realized that it really doesn’t matter what type of music I make, I’m a Nigerian from California, so I’m like really REALLY a west coast artist. lol)

I Can Only Turn U Up

‘Turn U Up (Bby Henshin)’ was recorded on August 31st, 2023 and produced by Chomp of Crypt Collective. After sending it to my producer, we both knew that this song needed to drop, and I immediately dropped it the next day on SoundCloud.

A couple jobs ago, I was working as a Caregiver to an extremely racist client. See, the funny thing about his racism is that it was VERY specific. He didn’t hate me just because I had black skin, in fact he claimed to love black people and culture. Why he didn’t like me was specifically because I was Nigerian, the absurdity was kind of funny in retrospect. Anywho, after having enough of his bullshit I had decided to just leave. While leaving, mentally drained and checked out, he kept yelling at me. While waiting to catch the bus my best method of brushing off his existence was by writing lyrics on my notes app. After that, I pretty much went home and quit, mostly because I had another job lined up. For the time being I was still unemployed, since that job wouldn’t start for a while, but this meant I had more free time. I tried to balance my time by making music and doing house work. One day, while doing dishes I suddenly caught the urge to make music. The beauty with BandLab is that you don’t need crazy equipment nor a traditional studio space to create quality work, and this song is the proof. I had my Beats earphones in my ear, a 10 pack of beats from Chomp, and the house to myself. I started punching in lines between washing dishes and continued doing so until I finished the dishes and was able to fully focus on the song.

What makes this track special to me is that it’s about nothing at all. Usually, I try to lace my music with some sort of message, wild lore, or something to where it’s not just a “surface level song”, but this song was just a fun feel-good song about absolutely nothing. I don’t know what it is, but this song heavily reminds me of MySpace, internet rap era–particularly from Soulja Boy, Lil Wayne, Rich Kidz, and Lil B. The simple and catchy chorus plus the bouncy and internet-like production from Chomp is what does it for me. A part of me had intended for this to be somewhat of an anthem for my friends within Crypt Collective. The lyric, “I'm with CC no Chanel. I'm with CC the collective.” stands out so much because this record is really for all of them, it’s a symbol of our unity and shared dreams as creatives. After showing Chomp this song, he told me to immediately drop the song. He even made cover art and we both were so hyped to drop the next day.

A fun detail that’s definitely going to go unnoticed is this song is really a tribute to Kamen Rider, but in a more “palatable” way for those who don’t watch the show. The name ‘Bby Henshin’ comes from the Japanese word Henshin (変身), which translates to “Metamorphosis” or “To Change The Body”. Since this song is pretty much me talking about how I could turn someone up, or change them, I just thought it’d be cute to continue my ‘bby’ naming scheme and call it ‘Bby Henshin’. Kind of like saying I’m the one who can transform someone’s life. The lyric, “Kick this bitch out, could get messy” has a very low volume attempt of me imitating Tendou Souji’s iconic “Rider Kick” catchphrase. Also note that the intro line “Sa, jikken o hajimeyou ka?” (Translating to “Let’s start the experiment”) comes from Kiryu Sento’s catchphrase in the show Kamen Rider Build. Even the “Turn Up” part near the end is from Kamen Rider Blade’s Driver sound effect. I put this in because I love the show and these characters so much, and just thought they sounded cool.

This cut, alongside ‘Alive’ and ‘Runner’, had originally been released on a scrapped project titled ‘Jodeci Act 1.5’. I scrapped it because I felt I was cheating my audience out of an actual project, and was more concerned with putting songs on streaming than making a cohesive body of work. I put this song on ‘ICOBM’ because of the success that it had when I had released it. When this song dropped I had seen a rejuvenated interest in my music, and I loved it. This song also acts as a pseudo apology for getting rid of the songs from ‘Jodeci Act 1.5’, especially since this was the most popular song on there. I’m really glad I just ended up making this song in the spur of the moment, and that I put it on this project. In the wise words of Lucki in ‘LifestyleBrazy’, “You broke because you think too hard sometimes, just go with it.” I really need to follow those words more often.

I Can Only Be Impeccable

When a rapper is asked which is their favorite song on a project they often have this bullshit PR response like, “I love all of them, equally”, knowing damn well they have a favorite. Unless you’re weaving some incredible story driven project where every song is well constructed you’re bound to have some songs that were thrown in there for whatever reason. Let’s be for real, niggas be having filler songs.

With a certain type of artist when it comes to 15+ song projects there’s bound to be songs that are kind of just “there”. Whether it be to fulfill contractually obligations with the label or because the artist simply said fuck it, there are bound to be filler songs. Nothing is necessarily wrong with a filler song but in my case, this is someone's first impression of me, my first official debut project (JACT1 & QC don’t count) meaning I can’t just have anything on the tape, I have to make it “perfect”. Filler songs usually end up being my least favorite songs on projects which also caused me to wonder which song would be a rapper's least favorite in their projects and if those songs are filler. Although I don’t consider this song to be a filler song, it is my least favorite from the project.

On December 22nd 2023 I woke up, quickly made this song, and I loved it. Usually my recording process is full of a lot of self doubt, realizations and overcoming myself, but this one went by pretty quickly. I had some parts of the verse written for a while, and the beat was just sitting in my notes (shout out Sytruzbeats). Funnily enough I was also contemplating on having a VF Kane feature on it, due to the short length of the song. I came to conclusion that I would just make a short “interludey” type song since the original idea was to make an EP instead of a Mixtape, plus short songs be hard as fuck and have a lot of replay value. This song reminds me a lot of “God & My 32” by ThouxanbanFauni. I think it’s just the vibe, because nothing sounds similar to the song. I think that is because that song isn’t mixed all that well either (Although that’s not a bad thing, because our standards of mixing are different). I think what makes me think of that song is the “rawness” of it, or really just the lack of any professional, time consuming mastering. I love the rawness of this song and the fact that I didn’t use autotune. I was talking some crazy shit on there too. My favorite lyric is definitely: “Ride for my bit like a Kawasaki, ain’t no gun, but K stay right beside me.”

The only reason why this is considered my least favorite song is because of the mixing in comparison to the rest of the songs. I mixed it to what I first thought was “perfection”. I didn’t master it because the rawness of the song sounded good to me, however, it never passed the car test. When I attempted to master it, either it sounded too loud in the car or too low in the earphones. I went to my good friend DearXay to engineer it and he did a good job, he even gave me the idea of adding pauses during the beat, which isn’t something I usually do. I eventually re-did the engineering and came to a conclusion that it was “perfect” the way it was.

I was on and off with putting this song on the tape, especially when MaseMansion told me it was best to not have many “filler” songs in your projects, which is true. However, what I think makes this song so important is the fact that it’s simple. The story of this song’s creation isn’t complex, and there is no message or theme to it, I just rapped and called it a day. It holds a special place in my heart because it’s just simple. You don’t always need wildly complex music, some songs simply just come out of nowhere, and sometimes they end up being really good. So I guess my preconceived notion of what a filler song is most likely stems from my own insecurity with music, especially because there are songs that I consider to be filler on projects that ended up being my favorite, like ‘Draco’ by Future (I’m not going to explain why I consider it filler, but it is my second favorite Future song). If you’re reading this for some sort of lesson, I guess sometimes you have to just go with your gut and add songs onto your project. You shouldn’t overthink too much because a lot of what makes music special is the feeling. If it feels right, you should say fuck it and do it. After all, it could be someone’s favorite song by you, because you never know what people will connect with.

I Can Only Be A Runner

This song was recorded October 17th 2023 and released November 3rd that same year on SoundCloud exclusively. It was then later released on all platforms via Jodeci Act 1.5. I think an interesting thing about this song is that it's an interpolation of UnoTheActivist’s “Runnin Runnin Runnin” ft. ManManSavage produced by K-naan (One of my favorite producers). It’s funny because I hadn’t listened to the song in a long time before that, so I don’t know why it just ended up being an interpolation. It came about when I asked The Kid for a specific beat on his samples (parade samples 23’) and I quickly made the song. Usually, it takes me a long time since I tend to write my music, but I guess I was feeling myself that day and pumped this out. I put this song on the tape because my friend said his little brother enjoyed the song, not only that, but the title fit with what I was going for with the tape. This is around the time I fully committed to the “I Can Only Be ______” naming scheme. ‘Runner’ is just another way to say hoe, but the song is just about how I run through them until I find a wifey. I’m not saying I’m a hoe or anything but technically, some may perceive what I do as hoe behavior which is why the intro voice is needed. That voice note in particular is a HUGE if you know you know. I really do like the bridge. I have to thank my producer The Kid, because the way the middle verse was set up was so beautifully done I sometimes just listen to the instrumental of it. It sounds like drum and bass drums but the pattern is very much hip hop. It’s so unique, and I have to thank The Kid again for literally immediately sending me this beat when I asked. I was very hesitant to put this song on the project. I already had ‘Turn U Up (Bby Henshin)’ and ‘Alive’ on there, and didn’t want too many previously released tracks. However I just said YOLO and put it on there because I loved the song.

One lyric that really stuck out to me is:

“My heart’s open for you like a surgeon, baby. Acting like you love me, close the curtains baby. Nobody’s Favorite but you’re so perfect. I been all by my lonely so I feel worthless, baby.”

Very depressing but I think that part of the song seems necessary. I don’t really control the mood of the songs I make, especially when I’m freestyling. I can keep the sad mood of the song, but to me, this song is light hearted, so it’s strange that I just got sad out of nowhere. I also think that this part of the song is really just like the part of falling for a hoe. Especially considering I continue by saying:

“Love life cursed bae, she did me the worst way. Two things are for certain, my heart’s in the worst shape. Charge it to the…I need me a clerk bae.”

This whole section of the verse exemplifies that idea of falling for a hoe, but the part after is like finally standing up and realizing you can’t trust a hoe, that or I’m just saying shit because I don’t have anything to write about. This song is also the last half of the “first half” of this project. The first half portion is inspired by an old mix of mine called ‘Quarantine Chronicles’ in which I combined various songs I made during quarantine. There’s a love-hate relationship with it, but I do feel like it’s technically my first project even if it's just a mix. Anywho, what the project taught me was how to arrange your tracklist according to “vibes”. I believe side A and side B are the “easiest” to make when it comes to structuring a tracklist. I’ve always wanted the first half of my projects to be fun and “bright”, similar to sunlight, because I always feel like my projects represent a sun setting and a moon rising. The next half however, I feel has a lot more substance and the vibes are increased, which is heavily inspired by the feeling I get when the moon rises.

I Can Only Be Destiny's Child

A “pinnacle track" is a particular song that aids an artist in creating any body of work. Usually once the track is created, it helps build the track list, aesthetic, and narrative structure around the project. I would argue that a pinnacle track isn’t the “best” song, and doesn’t have to be released as a single, but it is objectively the most important record because it is the song that helped shape the project's identity. After some extensive research, I couldn’t find an artist who’s explicitly stated that a certain track is their “pinnacle track”, it also doesn’t help that I made this idea up in order to explain the significance of ‘Destiny’s Child (Fate)’. However, I will say that this record is the pinnacle track for ‘I Can Only Be Myself’.

‘Destiny’s Child (Fate)’ was recorded on August 28th 2023, and produced by angelface alongside the very talented lessthanthree. After quitting my job I had nothing but time on my hands, so I used the time to try and work on music. I heard this beat and immediately felt like I was floating, the beat was so euphoric and I knew that I needed to get on it. The track came about fairly easily, and I remember obsessing over it the whole day. Although ‘Turn U Up (Bby Henshin)’ was created first within my unemployment arc, this record was the first to make me seriously consider making a full length project of some sort. Through the first stages of the ‘thank you.im sorry’ stages to the tape we know today, this was the record that has stayed within each rough draft. This song being number 6 allowed me to arrange the other tracks' orders, it also allowed me to create the idea of the type of tonal difference that I had wanted for the second half of this project. This song is based on a real experience I had at a party I went to. The time I “fell in love” and felt like the encounter was due to some cosmic order beyond my control. Whole time I was just crossfaded and probably lonely.

The name for this song is special because it came about from the lyric: “Fucking with her and I’m thinking it’s- Destiny’s Child, I’m thinking it’s Fate.” This is one of my favorite lyrics I have ever rapped in my entire life, and I think it’s definitely in the top five ever uttered, ever. The lyric is a double entendre and plays on the whole concept of Destiny’s Child, from the name itself, using it in a situational sense, and in a more literal sense. The lyric at its essence is me vocalizing that I’m romantically invested with someone and it feels like it was destined. The second half of this lyric also describes the girl who I’m interested in named Fate, who would be the child of Destiny. It’s also a nod to one of my favorite R&B groups (other than Jodeci), Destiny’s Child. I don’t care that I had to explain this lyric, this lyric is so beautiful I literally shocked myself when I wrote it.

Throughout my 8 to 9 years of rapping I had been ducking on making a project. I’ve seen peers drop countless EPs and Mixtapes, each surpassing me. I never knew if the timing wasn’t right, or if I was just insecure. As I was coming to terms with creating a body of work, I was unsure how it would sound, but after the creation of this song clarity had hit me, my insecurities had disappeared. It felt much more grandiose than just simple happenstance. I do not believe in “luck”, and it’s because I believe in a higher power. I believe that luck is just a calculated string of blessings. When you’re lucky, there are a string of “happy coincidences” that lead to you. I was unemployed, which gave me time to make music. Whether it was good or bad, I had the chance to just keep making whatever came into mind. Amidst the trial and error stage I constantly wrestled with questioning if music was my calling or a hobby. Even though I’m still trying to come to terms with what music may mean to me, I was skilled enough to make this song, alleviating a lot of the insecurities. Lastly, I have talented friends like angelface and lessthanthree who constantly send me production that gets my creative juices flowing. These weren’t just lucky coincidences, they’re reasons I consider myself blessed and everything fell into place because of these circumstances and people.

Being a part of any brand of faith trains you to identify blessings, and helps you to understand how they aren't just mere coincidences, but calculated happenings meant to aid whatever you prayed for. With that being said, ‘Destiny’s Child (Fate)’ is the pinnacle track of ‘I Can Only Be Myself’. I can say this wholeheartedly. Without this song, I honestly don't think the rest of this project would’ve been made. I can only speak for myself, but having a pinnacle song is a blessing for me as an artist, especially since I wanted to create a project.

I Can Only Be For You

I think the reason why the concept of “perfection” is so interesting is because everyone’s version of what they think it means is very different. Think about a “perfect” song, depending on the artist, their fans could either argue about which is or isn’t. But what constitutes a perfect song? What’s the criteria for a perfect song? I spoke to my friend Abby about this and asked her to explain to me what a perfect song is in three words. She responded by saying “I feel like a “perfect song” is culturally significant, something recognizable, and revolutionary for its genre.”. As right as she is, I also believe a “perfect” song is an artist by artist basis, and every artist has the ability to create a perfect song of their own. I believe the key ingredient is to exemplify something the artist stands for. I also don’t think “perfect” means your best, rather, it can be a perfect song for the era that you’re in. I don’t know how exactly artist’s feel about which songs people would consider to be their perfect song, but I can only tell you about my experience making what I consider perfection.

‘For You’ was recorded on July 20th 2024 and was produced by angelface, who I would consider to be one of the main pioneers of the sound I have crafted. At this point me and angelface had already made and released a song called ‘bby hunchos’, and thought the method of making quick hit songs was best done over Discord voice call. While angelface was cooking up another beat, my brother Nnanyere was also in the voice chat adjusting his script, leaving me to make a song on a beat. At the time I had a quota of a song a day, which doesn’t seem like much in comparison to most, but I had wanted to get into the habit of making songs for the project. I originally had no desire to make another song, especially after reaching my quota, but angelface insisted I just tried and sent me a beat named after one of his favorite anime is called ‘Clannad’. The beat was abnormally good, which isn’t unusual for angelface, but for some reason it just felt perfect for me. I said “fuck it” and did a melody run. During any studio session I would ask people around me to give me words to say, in this session the word my brother had chosen was “pavillion” while angelface had picked “relationship”. At first it seemed like a difficult task because the two words were just so different, I sucked it up and just went with it. The beat was already gorgeous so all I needed to do was man up and make any type of song I could for the night. The instant I heard the melody run back I knew this song would be something special. My voice and the beat intertwined perfectly, even to the point where my playful high notes and gibberish sounded as if it was meant to be.

This song is a perfect Jodeci Santana song because it perfectly embodies a part of who I am, while also being a vibe. In my music I often explore themes of self reflection, but particularly on and in this I reflect on emotional detachment. This song always felt to me like a sequel to ‘Destiny’s Child (Fate)’ in some way. While that song talked about falling in love at a party while crossfaded, this song is the exact opposite in which I discuss the lack of emotion while under the same influences. This song is misleading in that lyrics may suggest the song is about love.

“My heart’s beating faster for you” sounds like some sort of confession (Fun fact, the song I made previously that day had the same lyric and was indeed a love song) but I think this lyric is instantly shut down when I continue by saying “All this toxin inside my body baby, I feel the euphoria. Ain’t no feelings for you, caught up inside the moment.” which basically sets the tone of the song. The experience while making this song was euphoric. In psychology I learned that when someone's skill matches the challenge required the equilibrium state that they’re in is called “flow”. Although making and mixing this song was a challenge, it wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle. The lyrics came easy (probably because of angelface and my brother). After recording the song, I worked on this song everyday on the bus and at work, and overall am very happy with the result.

‘For You’ is not only a timeless classic, but a perfect song to me. Since the day I’ve recorded it, to now, I find myself often listening to it and it’s entered into my personal top 3 favorite songs from me. Sometimes I even wonder how exactly I made this song. I think what made this moment so special is that there was no plan and it was just a spontaneous session, which then turned into something great. I have a problem with always trying to have things go a certain way, and I don’t always go with the flow because I am afraid of uncertainty. This is enhanced with my nagging insecurities when it comes to my music. However, this song taught me that perfection in art doesn’t always come from a plan, actually, all the songs that I’ve ever really enjoyed and considered to be “perfect” have always just been songs that just randomly happened. Maybe, perfection isn’t planned, it’s felt. I am also beyond grateful that this song is also with my brother angelface, we’ve worked together in music for about 8 years (cheers to many more), which have been filled with trial, error, and successes. I owe a lot to him, he’s done so much for me in not only my musical journey, but in my personal life. I’m glad to have made the perfect song with someone I consider a brother and can’t wait for us to make more. #ACDT

I Can Only Be Out Of Reach

As much as people pretend to not care to seem cool, we all want someone to know exactly what we’re saying or why we do the things we do. Humans are social creatures and I honestly believe that to be truly understood is every artist’s goal. For example, film directors are going to add specific imagery, references, easter eggs etc. so that someone will catch them. In the case of musicians, I strongly believe that we all want someone to look at our work and understand it on a deeper level than what’s on the surface.

‘Out of Reach’ was first recorded on July 4th 2024 and is produced by my good friend DearXay. It was almost called ‘Indecisive’ but I think that I just ended up asking my friend which name sounded cooler. After freestyling a bit, I finally came up with what I wanted for this song. I wanted it to mean something. I wanted to do two things with this song. The first is I wanted this song to seem more like a conversation you would have on the phone like a skit or script. This specific portion is inspired by ‘Love No Thotties’ by Chief Keef. I love how he uses the phone call near the end, it adds a level of storytelling to the overall narrative of the song. In this song there were five voices in total, three of which were “scripted" and two that were actual random voice messages on my phone from…other encounters (Shout out to Dyani and Xitlally for helping me with this <3). Secondly I wanted to encapsulate what my version of the “talking stage" sounds like, for me atleast. Everyone knows what the “talking stage" is, and even though everyone hates that shit, it’s important because it lets you know what you’re getting into before actually getting into it. Kind of like a free trial, but in reality, I think it’s just about understanding the person that you’re interested in and seeing what makes sense for you and what doesn't. I think my problem specifically is I rarely get past it, mostly because I get caught up in a funny cycle; I meet someone new, we have some mutual interest, at first they’re a lot more affectionate than I am, and before I can respond with my sort of affection of my own, they move on. It’s a sad cycle, but my reality and I don’t really blame anyone for it. I want to think I usually understand why people leave me first, but I never really get the chance to get a real answer. Anywho, I feel like one aspect of this song is how I used the voice notes to hopefully portray this. Usually, I am very adamant on not asking women for their voice notes unless it’s a feature. I feel like only lame niggas be asking, but as I was making the song I really wanted to add the conversational element like Sosa.

Lyrically, this song is basic because it’s designed to be something you can easily sing along to. The chorus is inspired by ‘MEET ME THERE’ by Lucki, and the lyric “What’s up with you being way too cute to trust me?” pays homage to Lucki’s ‘Don’t You Love Me’ record. To me, the highlight of this song truly comes from the voice notes. The first voice was homage to my all time favorite Jodeci song ‘My Phone’, which initiates not only the song but starts the conversation:

“What’s up with you? (I’m just chilling, what you tryna do?”)

It’s up to you (“Stop being indecisive where you at?”)

I’m in space, you can meet me there? Got this coupe for two (Aight cool, let me go get ready.)”

The first chorus is supposed to be a conversation between me and the woman I’m talking to. There is a shared interest in seeing each other, signifying the first part of the “talking stage”. For the second chorus, instead of the original response to my request, a voice says, “Boy, just tell me where you’re at?” representing the growing frustration that she’s feeling when it comes to dealing with me. Fun fact, the “I know what you’re talking about” came from an actual conversation I had, with the lady that inspired ‘Monster 2’. Lastly, the refrain noticeably doesn’t have as many responses as the previous choruses. There’s no changing desperation in my voice, and although I call for someone (represented by the second “What’s up with you?”), there is no answer because they’ve moved on. It’s usually when I feel for others, I am left alone with those feelings. With that said, because I hate not knowing how people feel about me I often chase closure or come up with my own conclusion, which is bad. This ending represents my obsession with closure.

This song is a way to show who I am as a person. I’m not too outwardly affectionate, or rather it just takes me a while to become so, but I still want to show interest. The repetition of the chorus shows the continued interest I have, and the voice notes their fluctuating emotions. I knew no one would really “understand” the song the way I do, because no one asked me about it. That’s fine, because that’s why I’m even writing this blog in the first place. Not only do I want to have a tangible piece of work explaining my thoughts during this era, but I just want someone to be able to understand me. I don’t really mind if anyone wants to enjoy my work on a “surface level", because the song is also designed to be played without any real thought needing to be put into it. However, as an artist, everything I do is intentional, even when it’s an accident. With this song, I wanted it to be meaningful in a way where you’d have to ask me about it. I believe it’s this way because I want to believe there is someone out there who wants to understand my music on a deeper level. I want to believe someone out there wants to better understand me.

I Can Only Be Wondering

‘Wondering’ was recorded on December 24th 2023 and produced by Chomp. Usually the holidays for me don’t really feel like the holidays anymore, particularly Christmas. As you get older the flare of the holidays slowly disappears. Anywho, I made this song late in the morning, in a completely dark room and freestyled the whole thing. The beat was called ‘Where Were You’ so it was easy to come up with a chorus. The verses just naturally came out as I was somewhat in my feelings. After making it, I showed it to Chomp, who said this song was like an antithesis to ‘Turn U Up (Bby Henshin)’. If memory serves me, he said this song asks the question of “where were you?” after changing someone's life, assuming they left. I don’t remember exactly what he said, but they were along those lines. I do find it interesting though, because I didn’t have any of these thoughts in mind, but it’s cool to know people create their own meaning with music. Speaking of meaning, there is a particular lyric I’d like to clarify ;

“Free Lil Bans, hate to say that shit but that’s my partner, that’s my mans.”

At the time a few of my friends had recently been locked up, really a lot of people I knew were incarcerated and it was really lame, the two in particular that I thought about when freestyling were Bans and Nemo. Even though I only mentioned Bans, I did think about my other friend, I just couldn’t incorporate his name into the song, and that’s ok. I got a whole “Free Nemo” song that might never be released, and let me explain why. One thing I hate doing is saying “Free my homies” in general. No, I’m not a hater, I don’t want my friends to be in jail, it’s really because I wouldn’t want my friends to be in that situation in the first place. Also since I’m not putting money into commissary or books it just feels counter intuitive for me to say free you when I’m not doing anything to set you free. A lot of people are saying free whoever just because it sounds cool, but as I grew up I kind of think it’s just something I wouldn’t do unless I’m trying to actively get you out. I just never really thought saying “Free my homie” was cool, shit was actually really lame and I hate that they were put into prison. It’s kind of a confusing lyric, because it’s still free the bro even if I hate saying it.

One more technical piece I want to break down is the vocal quotes. By now you should know I love incorporating vocal quotes into my music, and this song is another example. The “I love you too Jodi, but you really scare me” comes from the movie Baby Boy, which is one of my favorite films. The way I merged the quote with the actual lyrics enhances it. For example :

“I’m tryna cuff Lil Kay, make her my girlfriend. Know how that gon end, but fuck it play pretend. Act like everything fine but knowing in the end we gon split but, (I love you too Jodi but you really-) It’s ok.”

Is enhanced because of the quote, it gives life to the lyric, and acts like the closure I seeked in ‘Out Of Reach’. Hearing her answer being cut off to my response gives the lyric a more conversational touch, which is really cool because I am just freestyling this verse. I also had this fun idea that this song also acts as a precursor to Monster 2. Without spoiling the full story, that record is about how I became a “monster”. The tag here suggests a reason the person I’m talking about on ‘Turn U Up (Bby Henshin)’ would’ve left me, even after I changed their life. I only thought about this after setting up the track list and remembering what Chomp had told me. So take this with a grain.

Among the many track list edits, this was originally on the EP “thank you.im sorry” alongside ‘Destiny’s Child (Fate)’ , but I soon dropped it because it didn’t sound “crazy” to me. I explained all this to Chomp in a call and he was super chill about it, but then my friend Kane spoke out. He said, “He doesn’t want to drop it because he’s scared. He’s too pussy to drop a good song.” and this is exactly why it dropped. Usually I try not to let things get to me, but it’s different when someone’s right. I had over-thought this tape way too much and what I didn’t consider was that I needed to just put the best music I had within this era of making music.

When you’re working on a project you usually don’t have access to everything within your imagination, so it’s best to work with what you have and make the best of it. I was so concerned with making “crazy” songs instead of records I can make, and it clouded my judgement. The song grew on me tremendously as I forcefully committed to putting this song on the tape, and a part of it is because I just did it. I wanted to prove to Kane that I wasn’t scared and I think my anger also motivated my commitment, which is kind of weird. In a moment of anger, I stood ten toes on my decision and I’m glad I did. This song gave me the understanding that I can only make the songs I can make, and that’s perfectly ok.

I Can Only Be A Monster 2

While being Interviewed about the record ‘Groupies’, Future reminisced on the significance of the track by saying, “Sometimes, man you have to live for moments, moments that you can never get back, it’s a time in my life where I’d probably never do it again but there was a moment in my life where I did do it and I want to be able to connect with the fans and be able to say certain things that other rappers might be doing to this day, that they can’t say…”. To me, this quote aligned perfectly with the personal goals I have as an artist. I want to transform my emotions into art. The good emotions like in ‘Delusionist’, the bad emotions like in ‘Wondering’, and the ugly ones like in this song. One of the goals I had set out for this project was that I had wanted to create a song where I could be completely honest. I wanted to spill my emotions out and for the song to be borderline embarrassing but unapologetically me.

‘Monster 2’ was recorded on August 11th 2024, produced by Bryan Termula & Yunme, and the last song recorded for the project. The song is inspired by a girl, who we’re going to call Lala, and how I had watched her turn into a groupie. Usually I just move on, but something about this person just compelled me to make this. There was a specific post I had seen that kickstarted this song's creation. She seemed to be in Miami, driving around in a slingshot with some dude. She looked different, lip fillers and other facial alterations. Regardless of how I felt about her, she seemed happy and admittedly, it irked me. At this moment, I felt the full range of jealousy. I was sad because she clearly didn’t care about me, and longing for her to want me the way I wanted her. I was disappointed because in comparison to her I felt like a loser, my ego was bruised. Lastly, I was jealous that she could just easily move on while I stood here with all these feelings. It’s such a nasty emotion, but one I’m no stranger to. What I don’t think is ever talked about is the two different results jealousy can lead to. The first is that jealousy can easily lead to spite, hating someone because of what they are or what they have. It’s easy to be this way, because it requires no logical reason other than to be jealous. You don’t ask yourself why you’re jealous, you just are and blame others for it. Good thing my conscience just doesn't allow me to do that. For me, seeing her did something different. My jealousy motivated me, and this is the second result jealousy can lead to. It’s embarrassing to admit all this, but it’s important because Lala was the driving force for this song. Although she’s the reason for this song, I should also mention that other inspirations for this track include ; ‘Polaroid’ & ‘Waste Time’ by Jobarr. ‘Throw Away’. ‘Monster’ & ‘Hate The Real Me’ by Future and an episode of The Sopranos titled “Whitecaps”.

Monster 2’s core theme is about change. The first half is my immediate reaction towards seeing Lala change into a “monster”. The vocals have a sense of desperation while the lyrics hint at some delusion. Think of this whole section as the first 4 stages of grief. Here’s an example :

1. Denial: "I'm tryna bag like a Birkin cus I still think that your're worth it"
2. Anger: "Now you just a thot, never saw you that way. Hate where you going cus' I couldn't make you stay"
3. Bargaining: "But I seen you with somebody else, looking like somebody else. But someday, would you meet me halfway?"
4. Depression: "Seeing you with someone else, it kills me baby. Seeing you as someone else, it kills me baby."

Although scattered across the song, these lyrics exemplify the jumbled up full range of emotions I felt at the time. One of the more technical aspects I love comes from the second chorus. Hidden behind the main vocals are these “monstrous” sounding adlibs, and I put them there to represent that I’m also changing into a “monster”. Speaking of, the second half of this song was directly inspired by the transition on ‘Throw Away’ but the inspiration on my beat selection and flow is from ‘Hate The Real Me’. This portion was recorded on August 12th, 2024. The night before I had pretty much finished a good portion of the song, but was still missing pieces of the chorus. Despite this I decided to go on ahead and work on the second half, which is produced by Yunme. I love this half the most because I was truly just talking my shit similar to Future. Lyrically I just said whatever came to mind, and just made it rhyme. My favorite portion of the song comes from this second half. I felt like I was predicting the future…

“I can only be myself girl, I cannot apologize. You said I’m a monster, like we not the same type. Jealousy done filled my heart so that shit put me on the grind. (So I think I should thank you)”

These lyrics resonate with me, summarizing the song, and also makes me ask an important question of what exactly is a “monster”. In the first half, there really is no accountability, when hit with something drastic like a switch up, you’re usually blinded to any rational thought. You can only think of the why and the what. Seeing this situation in hindsight allowed me to understand that what I consider to be someone becoming a “monster” may be someone changing for their own better. She was clearly happy without me, and that required me to understand that for her better, she had to leave people where they stand, unfortunately for me, I was just one of those people. Why I referred to her as a “monster” is because she changed into something I didn’t like, and I couldn’t understand why she had to leave me. I also should mention that she isn’t the only monster in this song. The second half allowed me to express how I’ve changed and easily became the same type of monster I accused her of being, hence why this song is called ‘Monster 2’, because she’s not the only monster. This begs the question of if I am truly changing for my own better?

Writing this song taught me the power of vulnerability. I usually don’t like to talk about how I feel, or rather I’m just no good at it. I don’t always express how I feel in a way that people can understand. Writing allows me to collect my thoughts together and make a coherent string of words that guides listeners to better understanding me. I hope through understanding me, people can also understand themselves as I admit to what they don’t think they can say. A lot of people have told me that I need to consider freestyling a lot more, and it’s why my music takes so long to make. I somewhat agree. Freestyling is a great method of creating music, it allows an in the moment song to be created, I learned this with ‘For You’, but ‘Monster 2’ reinforced why I love writing music. I planned everything with this song, and I orchestrated it exactly how I heard it in my head. Because of this, I will never stop writing music. I will never stop writing my truth, no matter how embarrassing it may be. By doing this, I want to inspire others to be a bit more honest in their work. If I can admit a groupie made me jealous, what’s stopping you from turning your embarrassing truths into hits?

I Can Only Be Alive

‘Alive’ was recorded on September 22nd 2023 and is the final angelface production on this project. I originally released it under my “jodecial radio” account with the name ‘i don't feel alive’. My summer vacation was over, and I had finished Community College. Admittedly, I wasn’t really thinking about what was next for me, I was just working and existing. I still hadn’t gotten my drivers license, I failed the test like 3 times and just decided to drive illegally. I had been grieving over my Grandfather’s death, still seeing his face every now and then. And watching all my peers surpass me, reaching their goals, and gracefully or maybe ungracefully to adulthood made me feel like shit. I had no way of getting out of the cycle I was in, and music didn’t really feel like much of a realistic possibility for me. It was probably the most miserable I had ever been, even if I was smiling. I looked in the mirror and felt disappointed. I think the strangest part is when you’re “living” like this, you don’t really notice it as much as you do in retrospect. Everything’s still happening, you see people elevate in life while you’re stagnant, but you don’t really “feel” it until something happens. It’s weird because I’m usually self aware when it comes to these types of repressed emotions but I guess it’s different when you’re feeling it. However it all hit me when I got into an argument with someone important to me, she told me that “I was just alive, but I wasn’t living.” and it made me incredibly sad. Similar to the situation with ‘Wondering’, I was only affected because they were right.

After the argument I felt oddly compelled to make a song. There was really nothing to look at other than the illuminated light that BandLab had brought and the pitch black emptiness surrounding the room. Sometimes making a song in the dark can intensify the emotions. This made it easier to just make the song. I didn’t think too hard about the lyrics, I just freestyled from the heart. In this song there are no particular lyrics that stand out, I wanted the song to be vibey and my voice to be just another instrument within the amazing production angelface had made. Even with this being the case, there are two key lyrics that summarize the whole:

“I can’t lie, it’s been awhile since I cried. But when I cry, girl, I feel so alive inside.” & “I don’t feel alive, when I shed a tear is when I feel alive.”

‘Alive’ is what a good cry is supposed to feel like. The entire song leads up to the emotional breakdown that is the ending, my favorite part. I used my adlibs and background vocals to emphasize this concept. Amidst the thoughts of why you’re crying, you wail and let everything out. The reason for your crying may be complicated or even painful, but the act of crying is simple, it leaves you drained, and a good cry leaves you with a kind of clarity — The clarity of having released raw, pent up emotion. Feeling pain, whether it be emotional or physical, is essential. It reminds us that we’re truly alive.

Ultimately, this song was an alternative to crying. In the end of the session I was drained, but I had felt the clarity of knowing I had made a good song. Originally, this record was slated to be the final song on the project, but I had decided against it since I didn’t want to end the project on too low of a note. I don’t think it’s depressing, but sonically it’s not really the way I wanted to end this as a project. For the song's ending though, it was reconstructed by angelface in order to bring out a “finale” type vibe, which I think he did a fantastic job in doing. Even if this song didn’t close the project, it was closure that I had needed at the moment. Sometimes, that's all music is meant to do for an artist, to be an outlet for letting the raw emotions out. Just like a good cry.

I Can Only Escape 2 Onyx

Although the ‘Escape To Onyx’ project started on January 13th 2024, I officially recorded the lyrics on the 15th. However, the 13th is important because that’s the night me and Hyorin brainstormed the idea for the song. He had returned from his trip to Paris and we decided to drink a whole bunch of leftover white claws, vibe and hopefully make music (don’t ask why I had whiteclaws). Two tracks in, we began searching for beats I could hop on. Shortly after finishing our collab track ‘Shitty Slatt 3’ he came across a beat titled ‘ORY2LA’ and told me how he had created the beat while on his flight back. Not only was his story for how he made the beat raw as fuck, but the beat moved me. It reminded me of the pop music I had listened to as a kid, and I knew I wanted to make a song on it. Although I’m no stranger to pop, I wasn't very used to creating it, but I’ve always wanted to do it. Even though I have very few unreleased pop demos I used this song as another experiment, which ended up being successful.

As we were both vibing to the beat, he kept telling me “You only get one night” in a melodic tone. This would later be altered to “It could only be tonight” within the original melody run, but I have to give credit to my twin Hyorin because he helped me find a flow. It took me two days to really start officially recording this song because I wanted my vocal preset to reflect a somewhat hypnotic and entrancing singer, while keeping a “trashy” pop star aesthetic. After getting that right, it took me a day to really understand what I wanted to make the song about. Randy Crawford’s ‘Street Life’ record gave me a fundamental understanding. In her song she isn’t necessarily glamorizing the street life, but the song in itself is glamorous which hides the themes of fleeting youth, prostitution, homelessness and drug use. The instrumentation The Crusaders provided, plus the stellar vocal performance of Crawford allows listeners to get entranced into the song and forget its darker elements. Hyorin’s beat created the glamour, and my voice added to it, but I needed to think how I wanted to go about it lyrically. I worked backwards and created a verse first before coming up with an intro, and eventually I came up with:

“All these flashing lights, show ‘em who you wanna be. Only for tonight, bae, come spend it with me. We on a bottle run, baby you ought to pull up and show out ‘til sunrise. Only for tonight.”

The lyrics continue to promote the idea of how only tonight could be the night for escaping the mundane of daily life. Think of it like this ; You wake up, go to work/school, maybe gym or some sort of extra curricular within your life and you keep doing this until you receive a paycheck. After paying off your financial responsibilities, you’re able to finally spend it on yourself. Assuming you’re like me, you want to escape it all, but probably are in no real position to do so. Unfortunately, you’re stuck working to get out of working. It’s a constant cycle that capitalism “allows”, but this song suggests going to club Onyx is a temporary escape. The inspiration comes from my experience going to a club, called Onyx, in San Diego. That night with my friends allowed me to escape daily life and I used it as fuel for making this song. I wanted to glamorize the concept of escapism by using going out to the club as a conduit. Without the glamour, this song is literally about going to the club, getting drunk, meeting a girl, and leaving her to eventually do everything over again some other time.

Originally I had wanted ‘Alive’ to be the ending, but felt it would sour the mood. Although that song isn’t necessarily sad, I didn’t want to end this project, sonically, on a sour note. UnoTheActivist’s ‘Live.Shyne.Die’ mixtape helped me understand why exactly I didn’t want to end off in this mood. To sparknote my understanding of his project, the mixtape’s split into 3 distinct halves in which songs fit into a category, a “Live” portion, a “Shyne” run and lastly a “Die” finale. The outro song “Look At This” acts as a contrast to the previous tracks in the “Die” category. While ‘Sad Truth’ and ‘War’ are somber or almost depressing in nature, “Look At This” acts as a counter. The song is Uno reminiscing on the journey his project has taken us on, a celebration of life rather than reliving the numbness of ‘War’ or the very apparent theme of betrayal in ‘Sad Truth’ (both are still goated songs). Similarly, I wanted to end the project in a “happier” mood and for it to deviate from everything previously heard. Although ‘Escape To Onyx’ is a twisted celebration of life, I felt it was the perfect ending to the project. It’s supposed to sound good while having a layer of complexity beneath the surface, a feature in my music I am proud to have. Like ‘Street Life’ the goal is for the listener to be so immersed in the music that they don’t even know they’re listening to something depressing.

I wouldn’t call this song a successful experiment because it’s a pop song, but more so that I set out to do something I’ve always wanted to do. I’ve wanted to make EDM-Pop music since I’ve heard songs like ‘Please Don’t Stop The Music’ by Rihanna, ‘Ghosts ‘n’ Stuff (ft. Rob Swire)’ by deadmou5, and ‘Memories ft. Kid Cudi’ by David Guetta. Eventually, my goal is to make a 9-10 track pop project with the same aesthetic and sound. I want to do this when I have a better understanding of myself, how to engineer and more resources to make my vision come to life.

I Can Only Be Thankful (Closing Thoughts)

I hadn’t mentioned it, but in 2023 I returned home from my trip to Nigeria unsatisfied with myself. During my time I had met so many extraordinary people within the village. These people who had significantly less resources than me still remain to shine brightly as they didn’t let their situation stop anything. I told myself before I returned that I wanted to have completed something so I could return to my village with pride. This is one of the many goals I’ve achieved that’ll help me be able to do this.

There are so many other people who’ve influenced me on this journey. I want to thank my parents, sisters and brothers. You’ve all taught me the fundamentals of how to be a decent human. Being the youngest in that house allowed me to be able to grow by watching everyone’s example. I’m grateful for my brother in law and niece, who both made me realize that I needed to tighten up and get serious about life. A huge shout out to my friends who give me a space I can truly be myself in. My producers, who I literally couldn’t have done this without. Treehaven, I know that sometimes you guys meme the hell out of me, but I understand that it’s out of love. I also want to thank my team ; Bjorn, my creative director and Josh, my web designer. I cannot thank you two enough. I really can’t, but know that I’m super grateful for everything that you do and have done. Especially with being super patient with me. Lastly, I want to thank everyone who listens to my music honestly. Not listening because you “know me” and are just “trying to support” but because you like the music I make. I can’t name everyone, but I see you, and I appreciate you so very much. I’m sorry it takes forever, but I want every single time that I drop music to be worth the wait.

Each of these people have helped me become the person I am today, and I love them to death. I don’t want to name any by name because I know I’m bound to forget names, so take receiving this CD via Mail or by hand as a personal thank you. I cherish your existence so very much. If you’ve read every single entry and listened to the mixtape, I want to personally thank you. This Mixtape captured the full range of emotions within this three year era of Jodeci Santana (2023-25). As I grow I hope to reach higher highs and be able to inspire others along the way. I want to close off this vlog by giving some advice for any of those who need it. This will also be a reminder myself, because I know I’m sure to revisit this body of work whenever I need a reminder.

1. Work with what you immediately have. When making a project of any kind you need to have an understanding of what you can tangibly achieve. Opportunities for more can and will present themselves as one progresses, but plan according to what you have and what you can realistically do.
2. Learn to appreciate your own process. I’ve heard of people making 50 songs in a day, and it made me anxious. It made me feel like I wasn’t doing enough, but I had to realize that my process is not going to be their own. My path is my own, and I need to learn that it’s ok to not be like everyone else. It just makes what you have to offer a lot more unique. Fall in love with the way YOU do things.
3. Learn to enjoy doing things for yourself. Since I’ve started releasing music in 2018, I’ve seen people come and go. Some have moved on from me completely, seeing no benefit in supporting me. Some have just surpassed me. I had to learn to appreciate what I’m doing because I simply like doing it. As long as I’m proud of myself, who’s to say I’m not successful? What makes you smile is worth it.
4. Take your time, but remember it’s borrowed. Tomorrow isn’t promised, even though it seems like it is. Procrastination can be defeated by just doing. Set realistic deadlines, and be real about completing them. You’re the only one you have to be honest to when it comes to these things. Work honestly and efficiently within the day, results are sure to come eventually.
5. Progress isn’t linear. It is, however, consistent. Since I only made 1-2 songs a day, I’d feel like shit whenever the songs I made for the day were terrible. However, this is a part of the process. Somedays I would make a ‘For You’, some were just ‘Lenny Freestyle’s’. As long as you keep going, you’ll see progress even in the failures.
6. “Perfection” is subjective. If you're creative you understand that sometimes your “best work” isn’t what’s sought after, and that’s ok. You’ll take years on a song, only for the song you don’t care about to be everyone’s favorite. Your job is to make sure you’re constantly producing content, never bank on a singular “perfect” thing. I’m not saying to rush your work and produce slop, but I’m saying that in reality, “perfection” comes as you constantly create and put your work out there. It’s still quality over quantity, but as you continue to create you’ll eventually find a new “perfect” within each era of your legacy.
7. Don’t compare yourself to others, you can only be yourself. I want to take this moment to really thank my brother Jobarr. For a long time I thought he was better than me. This mostly stemmed from my insecurities, but was enhanced by his own talent. His ability to make hits in seconds was something that always left me to question my own abilities. Since we’ve been frequent collaborators, it was inevitable for me to compare. Although I think we’re very similar, we are two different people. Even if he was “better” I can use the opportunity to learn from him, similarly to a Carmy and Will situation from ‘The Bear’.
8. Don’t be afraid to promote yourself. We live in an era where people think they’re cool for noticing someone’s using paid promo, however they don’t realize EVERYONE pays for promo. Seeing people promote themselves via Instagram, TikTok or Twitter seemed corny to me. I thought I was bigger than the program and hadn’t seen significant growth because of this foolish mindset. I think the whole time I was really just insecure. My biggest hurdle was gaining the confidence to proudly say I made music. Do not be like this. Be proud of the work that you do. If you do good work, someone’s bound to see it and opportunities can arise. Let the world know.
9. Keep faith, especially if you’re not religious. Although I am of faith, it’s important to believe in what you’re doing and more importantly yourself. I prayed to God before song sessions, every morning before going to work, and before I slept. Me constantly thinking and praying for this project manifested it to reality. My faith in God coincided with my own belief in myself. When it got hard, I developed this blind belief that things will end up ok. It was crucial for me to have faith. God gave me a reason beyond myself to have faith, but I also had to learn how to have it for myself. If you don’t have a God to have faith in, develop faith in yourself. Your future self will thank you.
10. You can do anything you put your mind to. Prove yourself wrong if you think otherwise. This one is for my negative people, or people who claim they’re being “realistic”, when in reality they’re just speaking negatively about themselves. 80% of the things you’re insecure or don’t like about yourself are in fact changeable. The remaining 20% is about acceptance and coming to terms that you can only be yourself. For me, I learned that when I put in the honest effort into changing, results are inevitably going to come. When I felt insecure about my looks I took the time to go to the gym, up my hygiene game, and tried dressing a lot better. I noticed I started to look and feel a lot better about myself. I felt a lot prettier because I had to put in the work to prove myself wrong, and slowly started receiving genuine compliments from others. You can do the exact same thing. It just starts with an honest look in the mirror.

Thank you again for reading. I hope these entries find you well. I’ll see you again for my next great body of work !